Continuing the Consultations With My Mother series: after a conversation  with mum this afternoon the following poem appeared, fully formed from our telephone chat.

PS I’ll keep you updated on the state of my Mum’s rising damp situation!


II – Damp


Let me tell you about my damp:

It’s creeping up the walls, like fingers.

This damp guy, he’s really dishy.

So nice Eleanor. So interesting

Restores my faith in the male species.

Too young for me of course

Expensive divorce, I heard all about it.

Let me tell you about this system though

For damp in the walls of old buildings.

Some clever German scientist developed it

Used it on vaulted churches in Eastern Europe.

They are going to inject all the buildings in Auschwitz

Preserve them over seven years. It’s fascinating.

You don’t need to take the plaster off,

He showed me on the Internet.

I’d never be able to go there mind. I’d cry too much.

Everyone cries. How could you not?

I’m waiting for a quote,

Likely only five hundred pounds, give or take.

Not bad at all – I think he liked me.


(c) Eliot North 2016